On being a Mom

Realizing that your child is older today than you were on the day he was born is an interesting mental space to be in.

My son turned 29 on Monday. I was 25 when he was born. Full of hope, promise, and dreams for both of us.

I still am. I now have a thirty year perspective on those hopes and dreams. His birthday is the anniversary of my being a mother. Reason to celebrate indeed.

For him, I prayed that he would be healthy, happy, and fulfilled. However that looked. Would he be smart? Funny? Would he find his way in this world? Would he always be late? Would his Father become his Daddy?

When I first met him, he was screaming. The nurse held him over me and I asked him, "What is that all about?" He turned his head, those charcoal blue eyes looked into mine, and he stopped crying. He's never been much of a crier since. He had all his fingers and toes. I felt like I had known him forever. He was a handsome baby (but then of course he was mine). He slept through the night from day one. He grew in the 90th percentile his entire life. Smart and funny. Stubborn and generous. Forgiving and compassionate.

Well he is relatively healthy. He got a mix of his parental genetics. He has ADD. Not sure which of us gave him that or if it was just a mix. Both sides provided strong influence for alcoholism within the family tree. He is smart. I'll take credit for that! His happiness comes in spurts. Overall he loves life.

Is he fulfilled? No. I don't think so. He is still finding his way. Which aren't we all? His path looks different than I imagined. My dream was that he would be a high school football star, popular, college grad, professional man, married with kids. ACK!

Is he funny? Oh yes. A sense of humor that is self-deprecating and sharp. He sees the humor and the pain in the world. Hugely sensitive and intuitive.

Will he find his way in the world? Yes. Like all of us, he finds his way every day. Some days there is no movement, others he is speeding towards his future, others he is reflective and methodical.

Will he always be late? I think so. Perhaps a better way to say it is -- He does things on his own time schedule. Always has! Since birth. Whether it is being due on May 5th and being born by c-section on June 7th. Graduating in June of one year or in June of the following year -- for no reason other than not turning in a paper. It will happen when he is ready.

Will his Father become his Daddy? No. That has not happened and there is no sign of life there. A genuine sadness for me. I say that this missing makes him a better man and provides a desire to be the kind of Father he never had. He is great with children. He is finding a role model in my husband. What a blessing that is.

For me -- I wondered if would I see him grow up. Have an opportunity to see what he looked like as a man. Would I do good by him? I have! He is a handsome man who finally sees that. A tough big bear of a man with a heart of gold. Responsible for his choices. A man who loves deeply.

He has grown from a 10lb 3oz baby into a 6.8ft man. His heart and smile are infinite and easy to lose yourself in.

As his Mom, I now simply desire that he be proud of his choices, pick a way to make a living that enlivens his heart as well as his pocket book, and that he find a partner to share this life with. Grandkids would be nice someday too!